Being Mom.

At some point, I quit washing AJ's clothes separately. I'm liberally using up the last bottle of baby detergent. I know the free & clear we use will be just fine.

I don't pump as much as I used to because I nurse her almost exclusively. For purposes of obtaining some sleep, Aaron will give her a bottle either early in the morning or middle of the night this week. But if it doesn't happen everyday, I know we'll be fine. I might be tired, but I don't have any complaints.

I don't bathe her every night on a schedule. In fact, I don't bathe her at night at all. Usually I'm tired and I just can't. She gets her baths late mornings. I am sure we'll get to that whole schedule thing soon, but for right now I know what to do around 8pm every night. She lead me to it.

And somehow, I'm the only one who didn't get the memo that I would become this attachment-y, organic-y kind of mom. I knew I'd wear her (which only recently became tolerable for everyone), and nursing has been great... but everything else? Occasional bed-sharing and some nights in her mini-crib in the bedroom with us? Feeding on demand 5 months into it? Researching her preschool education options, and wondering how I can determine her "learning style" early on? Please. This is all ludicrous. Really. Admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery.

But there's not a recovery for this. I'm a mother for the rest of my life. I've really enjoyed getting to know this side of me. For a long time, I didn't trust that it could happen. Apparently, it's quite normal to think that you won't be a good mother before it happens and to be shocked when you are. I don't know how all this actually unfolds, I just know that one day I went from being really concerned to actually just doing it.

And it's the loveliest thing I've ever done.

4 Months. Plus.

You're getting this picture because I refuse to post one of the reason why I was drinking wine the other night. I also promised myself I wouldn't post poop pictures, because I didn't like that before I had the kid. Anyway, I was running to the shower with a baby wrapped in a disposable changing pad and screamng, "My baby is covered in SHIT!" It was actually running down her leg while she happily bounced in her play jumper thingie.

This parenthood thing... is not exactly hard. It's just new. Amazing, brand-new wonderful stuff. She's filling out and looking more like a chubby cherub baby every day. And every day she does new stuff. Today she started grabbing things I moved in front of her face. Everything is fascinating for all of us. 

No one ever tells you this stuff. The shit. Literally and figuratively. How irrational you become when it comes your kid, and what you want to do for her. Protect. Teach. Soothe. Encourage.

We had her 4-month check-up with shots today, and I surprised myself by holding her through it. I nursed right afterwards, and she was smiley in just a few minutes. I think the leg pain set in after a little play at home, so she's currently down after long cuddles and half a dose of Tylenol. I don't go for medicine even second or third on the list of things to try, but it was plain to see she was in pain. I didn't have to hear her cry for an hour to know where her tears were coming from.

And that's the beauty of motherhood to me- knowing these things with my gut. I didn't think it'd be like this... that I'd just know. I didn't think my magic would happen. I don't think giving birth equates to instant carnal knowledge, so for some reason I discounted my abilities. I just didn't think I'd get it.

It's the loveliest thing in the world.

Road Trip.

After an extended stay back home in Alabama, we took the long way back home to Maryland. Of course, we didn't plan it at all, so it was thrown together as best as we could manage.

Our first stop was in Chattanooga, where we stayed at the Choo-Choo. It's the old train station, which was converted into a hotel some years ago. It is definitely a dinosaur, and only cool if you stay in an actual train car (possible), but very pretty. The room was nothing to write home about, but it was for one night. We ate an amazing Italian meal, walked the train station gardens and grounds, and saw the model train display.

The next night we detoured to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, which I was nervous about because it doesn't seem very accessible. After some drama trying to find an actual accessible room and ending up in a meth motel off the parkway, we set out to see The Lumberjack Feud dinner show. It was totally fun, and AJ did great. She looked around, cooed a bit, ate, and then passed out. She spit up on the floor a little bit, too but I don't think anyone noticed. We bought the hilarious family photo taken right before the show. The food wasn't bad, either. The next day, we took off for Ripley's Aquarium in the Smokies. Museums and aquariums are easy for Aaron to manage in his wheelchair, save for distracted children wandering right in front of him. AJ certainly won't remember her first aquarium trip, but she loved it. She got all excited over the illuminated tanks in the darker rooms, kicking and cooing. We also used our new lightweight stroller (Jeep Sport) for the first time, and mourned the fact that she can nearly sit up on her own.

Night three was spent at an off-the-path B&B outside of Roanoke, VA called Bent Mountain Lodge and Inn. It was cheaper than most hotel rooms, and the innkeeper was a nice older man who helped me unload all of our gear (baby stuff, disability stuff, my stuff, dog stuff, stuff stuff; we are terrible packers). We ate chips and salsa for dinner since we were unprepared to fend for ourselves, but it was worth it. I took a picture of the sunrise the following morning, since I was up anyway. It happens a lot when you're someone's food source.

It was our first family vacation with just us and the dog, and we survived pretty well! I am really glad we took the extra days and enjoyed ourselves. I'm already thinking about Gatlinburg for the fall. There's a lot more to do there for Aaron than I would have thought, and that makes a huge difference.

Hope everyone is doing peachy and all that as summer gets rolling.

Memorial Day

All I can say about today is that Aaron came back to me, ensuring that (for now) this day does not have to hurt as much as it could. I hope we are decades and decades away from that. It's not about us. It's about those with a piece missing. Think of them.

Picture this... and me.

Instagram me.

So something seems to happen when your arms are filled with your very own human baby (if it hasn't happened already) and that thing is Instagram. So, since we have all this wonderful stuff going on, and I love to take poorly lit and badly focused photographs, I figured I'd sign up like all the other mommies do. So... follow away, if you want to see photos of my baby and random stuff. Like my shoes.