Moments. Day 21.

Intimacy is now feeding my husband his meals. It's a type of dance we do on a daily basis. It's patience when we're trying to communicate through foggy anesthesia and vivid drug-induced dreams and startling consciousness. He is 80% himself and for that I thank God and Jesus and Allah and Vishnu. He had many injuries, most of which will require skin grafting in the coming weeks (yes, his skin since the risk of rejection is high with these types of injuries). Blood infections, 106.7 degree fevers, frustration, and everything you can think of goes on here.

But then he says "Hey, sweetheart," every time I enter the room. Then we have a sweet conversation after a teeth- brushing. He'll crack a bad joke and show me his dimples. We are still us, still sweet and kind to one another, still newlyweds, still in love. He hasn't wavered once and that gives me strength. Then he tells me he couldn't do this without me.

Now how am I not an incredibly lucky/fortunate/blessed girl? I love him and he loves me. Always.

Just a quick nothing. Day 17.

Today would have been the sixth-month mark for deployment. Instead, I'm at the Navy Lodge at Bethesda (now Walter Reed National Military Medical Center Bethesda). Each surgery has been progress, but he's still on a lot of drugs and not really himself. The fear of TBI is creeping up on me. I'm not getting ahead of myself- there's reason to be thinking about this. It's already been a wild ride, and the level of insanity has maybe been down graded from " impossibly frantic" to "unbelievably hectic". Or something.

Four days after my notification of Aaron's injuries, I was in Germany for a day. During this day, I received a horrible message that one of my best friends had died in a tragic and senseless car accident. His memorial is today, and I'm literally living the one reason why I wouldn't be there. My heart is broken is so many ways.

I am medicated a little bit, and I do have Aaron's parents here. We're all hanging in. It's just kind of settling in that this is it.  I do have some wonderful, amazing people taking care of everything back at Fort Drum so I don't really have to worry about that. I feel a lot of love, and it all really does help. Some days are still better than others.

 I promise a real post soon. Thank you for your kind words and all. It means a lot. Here is his Caring Bridge:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/aaroncausey

End of Day 3.

Everyday the plan changes. He's doing well, but fighting infection and since he was bumped from two flights the Army is flying me and his parents over to be with him. We could fly to Bethesda Tuesday or Friday. It's been an Army process- everything from amazing to super sucktastic. The hospital has been fantastic. Travel and Transpo aren't helpful until they have orders, and don't even think about calling them. It's not been neglectful in any way, though. I feel like a yoyo.

But people have been amazing. Some of my blog-buddies have become straight-up allies, almost from the instant the news hit. I am floored. My Army wife friends have been angels. I have never felt so much love in all my life. Total strangers (to me) are visiting my husband in Germany and updating me. They are reading notes to him the family has sent them.

I met with "my girls" for the last time tonight. I most likely won't come back here when everything is PCS'd and boxed up, which is kind of horrifying to be honest. This whole process is horrifying but it really isn't all that bad. I'm every emotion at any time. Today I've been really irritable, but I also start my period in a few days (how cruel is that?!). Martin's Point sucks a big dick for not covering my birth control in a pharmacy instead of mail order.

He's doing really well, all things considered. He's been pretty responsive. He still has a tube down his throat but does breathe on his own just fine. He lost his right leg just above the knee and his left at the knee. He will need some skin grafts on his right leg. His right arm is fractured. There are a few more injuries but that is the gist of it. I am not scared at all about us, but of course I am scared in general. Some official Army cunt told me that families only go to Germany if something really bad could happen, so of course I flipped out when they started talking to me about going. All is okay now, I guess. I'm still scared.

Your love helps more than you could possibly know. It is not trite, it is not lost, and keep doing it! My mom and sister-in-law are amazed at my "Army family". And the EOD community- damn. It's really family, whether you know the person or not. Again, floored.

I have to pack and I leave at 6am. I'll update as soon as I can.

The second worst nightmare.

I received an injury notification today in the form of two strangers in ACUs. My life from this point on will never be the same, but I will embrace it and defeat all obstacles. I've been surrounded by beautiful Army wife angels all day and my mother and sister-in-law arrive tonight.

I have to see this typed: My husband lost both of his legs. He is otherwise fine and in good health, whatever that means.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers.