Caregiving to the second power.

I have a lot of neat-o and cool things going on, in addition to the fact that I haven't posted about the USO Metro Awards from March, which was as magical a night as my wedding. I also spoke to a panel of medical professionals concerning sexual intimacy issues facing wounded warrior couples (that was a riot). But caregiving is kicking my ass right now, so that's what's on my brain.

There's all the usual stuff which I still struggle to do, to be honest. I've never had anyone take of me as an adult so it's challenging for me to understand needing it done. Yes, even in our situation. It's complex and I'm not proud of the fact that I can't fathom actually physically needing someone to do stuff for me but that's the truth. I imagine people who have children fair better at this because of that. Well, I didn't even have a pet until I got married so I have always been woefully unprepared for this.  I continue to do chores that my husband actually can't, on top of the usual "men forget to do everything in the house and have dust/dirt blindness," so some days suck. Some days I'm not nice about it, some days I cry, but most days I realize I do have to remind Aaron 15 times to do dishes but he will do them. And everyone is fine and happy. We're cutting up, laughing, listening to our vinyl records, and enjoying our time together.

But then he gets sick or hurt and the caregiving duty is doubled. He won't even take his meds or eat if I don't take it to him. He tries, but is sore, in pain, weak, and tired of it. He had a spinal tap performed last Wednesday and hasn't been right since. Two ER trips and laid up all weekend. Laid up today. I don't mind doing these things for him. Not at all. I think we're just tired of being tired and hurt and sick. No one wants this.

There was a Paul Mitchell salon day scheduled for the caregivers today, and usually it wouldn't be an issue for me to attend. But today- sigh. He's still in bed. I am going to drive him in later for appointments to get him checked out, but it was a battle just to have him agree to that. I'm not upset with him for being laid up and in pain and consequently, needier than usual. That's not it at all.

It just sucks. We're all going to get sick and needy from time to time, and if we're lucky we have someone around to tend to us. He does what he can when I'm stuck with back pain for whatever reason. It's okay. But when you throw it on top of a daily life that already includes a certain amount of caregiving, it can feel endless and overwhelming. It's like a black hole of having to get right back up the minute I sit down, checking on my husband to make sure he's comfortable, driving him in because he needs to recline on the ride. I don't mind doing any of this. Duh. All of it, any of it. He'd do the same for me if he could, and when I am sick, he does do what he can.

I won't lie, though. I won't smile and pretend that this is normal and okay and everyone is going to get out of this completely unscathed. Bullshit. This is hard. This hurts. And while I know Aaron and I will be fine and happy and in love, I also know that we are changing and responding/reacting and must be patient with each other. We are growing inside of this, and it is not without growing pains. And I suppose as long as we are still listening to our vinyl records at the end of the day, and cutting up, it'll be okay.

It's just a hard road to travel to get there.