Friday, May 16, 2014

New Life.

I've been absent from this space for most of AJ's life. It wasn't intentional, and nothing is more blog-snobby then waxing poetic on how life is so busy I don't value writing and sharing anymore.
Cause it's just not true.

My brain feels full and splattered most days. I wake up that way. We've spent a few weeks at home, and due to the logistics of my in-law's house it's just easier for me to nurse the baby in the night. And very early morning. Aaron would do more if I asked him to, but it'd be in our bed if he did and I'd have to fetch the bottle and diaper caddy... and well, I might as well just nurse. Not that I mind. Side-nursing is one of my favorites things to do with her lately, so it's all very sweet. Even sweeter when we both doze off together and I get to wake up to a smiling AJ.
Not much is better than that.

So some very big changes are happening, and with that I think I should let go of "after blast warrior wife" and the tenacity of being a warrior wife. I don't have to suit up everyday and go attack and make sure my husband thrives. I don't have negotiate medications and surgeries. In fact, this year might be the first whole he goes without going under and having some part of himself cut on, up, opened, and discarded. Last year it was the throat and sinus stuff, but I think that was it. Was that it? I can't keep up anymore, and nor should I.

We're never going to be normal, but I don't have to fight anymore. We are doing the most normal thing in the world- growing a family- and even if I have to chase that normal-everyday life down with a stick and beat it into submission and drag it back to the house and lock in the garage to keep it, I will do that. I want all the normal things, even if I can't get them all the time.

Some people think it's a choice to live the way we do, or live another way. Something like that. And you know, I can't articulate our everyday anymore. It is just not in me because if anyone wants to question how and why things happen, even after all this time, then I can't do anything about it. I won't do anything about it, because I just don't care to explain it.

But I don't mind sharing, which I will continue to do. And writing. It's been one of my greatest loves since I became a literate person. I've been writing stories down since elementary school. I've been fortunate enough to have an interesting enough life (for better or horrible) that I don't have to make up characters and events much anymore, even if it is fun to do.

I won't tell you to "keep an eye out" or any of that, but don't be surprised if you come back one day and things look a little different. Sound a bit more... grounded.

Just know that you can always go home again, even if you take the long way and don't come back the same as when you left.