Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The Posts I Never Make.

She said, "Some days I feel like shit/ Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit"

It is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I have a post about that.

My soulmate best friend is getting married this week and I am spending five days away from my baby, and there is a post about that.

We met with the Birmingham VA Chief of Staff and got a new primary provider AND are being seen off-site for urology/fertility, and there is a post about that.

My sweet, blond, blue-eyed, perfect, and WALKING baby is the light of my life and there is a post about that.

I am officially a Dole Fellow for the Elizabeth Dole Foundation, and there are SEVERAL posts about that.

I moderate a caregiver support site, and there is a post about that, too.

Our documentary got into the GI Film Fest, and of course, I have something to say about that, too. You can rent our documentary online and duh- I need to tell you about that. It's pretty amazing.

But none of that is in this post.

Right now, I am exhausted. We are at Aaron's parent's house. It is not even 9:30pm and everyone in this house is wore slap out. Aaron is sick the day before I am to disappear for five days. What we woke up to this morning is not what we're going to bed with tonight.

This is that post.

We can not catch a break.

Aaron's pretty sick and has a fair amount of back pain going on. The worst part of this is knowing how upset Aaron is with this. Have you ever had to wonder if you can take care of your kid without help? Probably not. Most of us know that we can power through and make it happen, even if it means the TV on all day and apple sauce pouches and junk food for meals. We can make it happen. I don't know what it's like to not be sure about that, and I can't imagine the feeling. It must be pretty close to feeling like shit, if you ask me.

We got Aaron a bath. My in-law's helped with bedtime for AJ and unloading the car. We are trying to figure out if Aaron is better off with AJ or driving me to the airport, but both have their issues. We don't want AJ in the car for three hours without a very good reason, so we are trying to work out who stays with her and who drives me.

He has never had a reaction to vaccines before this round of routine stuff. We fully vaccinate in this family, so this is new. Poor timing. His back has been hurting him for months and it seems to just be something he will have to deal with since he is in a wheelchair. Physical therapy, massage, chiropractic care are all on the menu so he can avoid the heavy narcotics.

It is what it is.

I honestly nearly broke down sobbing earlier. My mother-in-law and I were supposed to stop by the grocery store on our way home from dinner, so Aaron and his dad had taken our care home. Father-in-law called to say that Mom had the house keys. As we pulled up, Aaron was puking in the bushes. He never gets sick. I just wanted to cry. He just wants to feel normal, human, and he can't. Instead, he is sick and in pain and trying not to take a bunch of pills all the time to manage it all. He just wants to feel a little bit like me and you, a little bit in control.

There is so much we want to do, the little stuff everyday and the bigger goals. But we are tired. At any point, these lasting effects of 09.07.11 can appear. His body will be responding to this trauma for the rest of his life. He can go from being the guy who takes vaccines and medical care in a breeze to reacting to every single little medical thing we choose. He doesn't have legs and his life in a wheelchair will continue to tear up his back and shoulders. There is only so much we can do about it.

It is what it is.

I have a gift. I can write and speak in a way that resonates with people. But instead, I am tired. I am blessed, I hug my miracle baby everyday knowing that she is only here because Aaron fought to live, because his team members did all the right things, because he got care right away. I touch my husband's residual limbs knowing that a centimeter or an ounce difference would have left me with nothing. We have a dog, and a baby, and a plan.

But we are just so tired, and there's so much we want to do, but can't.

This is that post.


  1. Sending so many hugs and well-wishes to y'all!

  2. We have all had these days. Thank you for sharing yours with us all. Your sharing educates the world on our adjustment to life after injury. I hope that day is a beautiful day and helps this bad day become a memory. Hugs!! ;)

  3. You and Aaron have been through so much in your short time together - but, wow...what a story and inspiration you are to so many people. It exhausting, you are all tired... I know that your rest will come in time, Sending you love and a virtual hug. It doesn't help you much, but it's all I can give! Roll Tide!

  4. I go back and forth all the time from "this sucks, this isn't fair" to "it could have been so much worse, one slight adjustment and he wouldn't be here" and it's hell. I hope things start to turn around, I hope you are able to find something that works for you and soon!