Saturday, May 18, 2013

The long one about failure.

Throughout this whole process, I have never lost sight or feeling for the immense love that I share with Aaron. I'm one fortunate soul. While I wouldn't wish this path on anyone, I know how lucky I am to walk it. We've been doing it for 20 months. I'm just gonna tell an ugly truth here; not for attention or help. But being honest about this whole journey is what I do, and writing helps me cope a little. So there's that. Think what you may.

We've taken some hits lately, and it seems that I'm the only one who has had enough. I finally got a referral to see Reproductive Health, but can't get in until July. A month and a half of our precious time left will be utterly wasted. I'm having feelings of intense anxiety over how much reproductive and IVF work should be done before November. I have explained our time constraints, yet nothing can be done. We will just have to hope that scheduling issues don't cost us the ability to freeze any embryos. The best case scenerio is Aaron's sperm being good enough to freeze when they test in June. Then we wouldn't need to do an egg extraction. That would be amazing.

We also had a little bit of a bad time getting the new truck adapted. The guy who does the paperwork basically told us he didn't think anything could be done because I'm so short. Right off the bat, as soon as the door opened. I wanted to scream at him and run away, or ask him if Aaron should divorce his short wife and get another one just so he can have a vehicle adapted for him and his spouse. The mechanic guy fixed that for us, so hopefully it goes okay. I mean, it wasn't as hopeless as paperwork dude made it out to be. When we dropped it off yesterday we learned that Aaron can't have additional functions on his hand controls- no blinkers, lights, or horns. If he wants it, the truck is out of commission for 16-18 weeks. I mean, what the hell. Apparently the guy who could get it done in a month left and now the place is left with this kind of insane wait time. Now Aaron has to take his only steering hand off the wheel to use his turn signal or brights. I know this is very small, but it's also just another annoying thing in a sea of annoying and frustrating things. More crap because of the injuries.

Our future plans also have yet to materialize into well, anything. DC and the surrounding areas are really expensive for living. In fact, the "free" home programs can't get anyone closer than 30-40 miles out. That's a 1.5 hour commute- each way. We don't feel entitled to a free home just because of Aaron's status, but it really sucks that his plan to continue his career here eliminates us from it. It's not 100% impossible but it's close. Just another thing that seems to make this harder than it already is. Just another not-choice we have to make. And yeah- there are a lot of choices that aren't really. I'm pretty familiar at this point.

Aaron doesn't have a clue as to what he wants to do after retirement in 6 months and frankly, it is eating me alive. I'm waiting on him. I can't make any moves of my own; not that I have any to make, really. I just want to know what the hell we're going to be doing, ever. I've offered up suggestions but it'll be yet another few months before an iota if an idea could be had. It's easy to tell myself to just chill out and be happy, but it's not that easy in application. In fact, there's nothing really easy-going about not having a clue about our future. Try it and tell me how fun it is for you.

Everything is always "another few months" away. This has taken so, so much more time than we ever imagined it could. I am empty inside in terms of looking ahead. I just can't see it. All I can feel is this years-long recovery process, staying in a temporary place a permanent amount of time with absolutely no idea of what happens next. It's a lot of anxiety. It isn't getting better.

It might be different if we were even 5 years younger. As it is, he's 34 and I'm turning 31 soon. I think we're a little old not to have a future planned, even just a little bit. It might be easier if we were going back to our hometowns, like so many seemed to do. But we want a home wherever we decide to make it; we just want to make some choices. But by not going home or having a clear plan, this again becomes harder than it should be. I suppose it's easy to see that a lot of our additional hardships are things we are doing to ourselves. It'd be simple to just go home or go to school or pick a place and decide that whatever jobs that place offers will be the perimeters we set for ourselves. I think it'd be kinda nice, actually.

We've seen so many come and go here. They arrive, some much worse off than Aaron ever was, but then they fly right past us. I commented to Aaron how relieved I felt that he was finally far enough along for that to not happen anymore. I'm not comparing us to anyone, but it's a fact of our time here. It does sting a little. It stings when we know couples with very similar injuries to Aaron's move right along, some even conceiving children while here. I'm happy for anyone who gets out of here, whenever they do it, and with brand-new babies even! All of those are very happy things. I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt, though. I want it to be our turn.

I am not happy much these days. I don't have a lot of positive things to say, and it just may be that I lost the gusto and grit I've been riding on these past 20 months. There's just nothing left in me, it seems. I don't feel a lot, and when I do it's frustration, immense sadness, or rage. I actually choose the rage because it's easier to process than sadness and hopelessness and I'd rather feel something than nothing at all. But that nothingness is definitely creeping in, a little more as each day goes by and nothing changes. I'm beginning not to care about what happens. I've voiced a few opinions here and there, but I don't think they've been very conducive. I just don't have much to add because everything I want comes out of a desire to get away from whatever is making me feel so empty.

I was trying to stay afloat, and stay busy. I thought that I could focus on me, my education, my hobbies. It all slipped away from me in the past few months as I increasingly began to feel less concern for my own goals. I really screwed up at school, and we'll see if there's any way out (doubtful). I wasted time and money on what? An opportunity to never get my act together? I know that I'm not really okay but mostly I just feel lazy, selfish, and irresponsible. I don't go with Aaron to events anymore because I think I'll stay home and take care of things that haven't been done in a long time. If I manage to get out of bed and start something, I can hardly finish it. I sit on the couch or lay back down and continue to feel nothing, while I command myself to get up and do something. But I just want to get my responsibilities done and then do the things I want to do that could maybe make me happy. I wallow in frustration with myself for being so sad I can't get anything done and simultaneously not caring about it, either. Sometimes I laugh at myself because it is completely ludicrous. I am a pretty spoiled human to allow this to happen to me.

I tried taking my anti-depressant and it just made me feel worse (and actually so groggy I couldn't even drive). I tried taking it at different times and nothing improved, so I stopped. I am not in a place to feel worse for any amount of time. I know that is not usually the brightest thing to do in these situations, but (thankfully?) I'm pretty well versed in this dance of anxiety and depression, so I'll figure it out eventually and get myself out of it. I honestly feel that I am just lazy and need to quit being rotten about this thing called life. That's all this is. Life. No one- no god or person- promised us humans anything in terms of quality. It is solely up to us to enjoy it. And if anyone thinks "If God put you to it, he'll put you through it" is actually helpful, I implore you to... well, not say it. Don't even think it. It isn't the least bit helpful, nor is it true.

What hurts the most is seeing Aaron struggle with watching me go through this. He is such an amazing, positive person and really can't fathom what the hell is going on with me. He is out right now, trying kayak sprinting and where am I? Here. At home. Trying to clean up the mess I've made. I can feel him struggle with what to do and in effect, we are both withdrawing. I didn't go with him today because the thought of being around cheering, loud, happy strangers sounded like total hell. I would just sit there like a lump on a log and barely respond to those around me. I'm pretty happy around Aaron. There are moments, like going to see the new Star Trek. And then there are other moments, where I know he doesn't even want to cuddle me anymore because I am such a black hole. He doesn't know how to help fix it, but he does the little bit he can. I don't expect him to fix anything, actually. He can't. I have to do this alone. I have support but the work is on me. No one can do this for you. But I hate feeling so alone when I have the most loving man in the world beside me. But I'd rather be alone than drag him down with me. That would be the most awful thing I could do.

I just want to be happy with what I have. I don't care to finish a degree or have some career in public speaking anymore. All of that feels pretty unattainable right now. I don't want to be sick of myself. Actually liking myself and how I spend my days would be nice, as opposed to just moping around and feeling despondent all the time. I just want to care again. Even though our life is probably getting better, my brain is responding with, "A day late and a dollar short." This journey has been so long. We have so much more to go, and I just don't know how to care about it anymore. If I had anything left inside of me, I'd pour it out right this second but you can't pour from an empty container. Right now, there is nothing left to give.

I am not this person. I don't know how this happened, and more than anything I want it to change.


  1. Hugs lady. You have been through SO much in the past almost 2 years, it's totally understandable that it's hitting you all now. I hope you're able to get some real answers on the future soon. Are there any good caregiver groups that you could talk to? You and Aaron got dealt a really shitty hand and I hope it all gets better and easier for you soon!

  2. Have you gone to a therapist?? There are so many anti-depressants out there, maybe you need to try a different one or a different dosage?? Could he commute (train station nearby) from one of those houses?? I know tons of people who live farther out than that in the D.C. area and they take advantage of the trains. Respite care is what you also need to look into...for yourself. I don't have an injured spouse, but I have a special needs child. You need to take care of can't take care of anyone else, if you don't put yourself first every once in a while. You don't always need a degree to have a public speaking job. There are many people (not just military) who could benefit from your experiences. Ihope things look up for you....Hell, you got to meet Prince Harry...holy shit! :)

  3. You are not spoiled! Far from it. You are depressed, there is a huge difference. If your husband wasn't treating his conditions I don't think you would let him get away with it - treat yourself the same way!

    I know we are in different situations but we are also in very similar situations. I can't even begin to tell you how much I have just stopped caring about so many things. My house is a disaster, I quite taking the kids to MOPS and story time and any other activity on post, we almost never leave the house. I just can't be around these women anymore.

    20 months is not a long time, you have to allow yourself time. If you need anything there are so many people pulling for you and I am one of them!

  4. I Plan To Read This Whole Post WhEn Not At Work That Being Said, I Might Be In DC At The End Of July. Would You WantTo Meet Up?

  5. I am so sorry you are feeling such tremendous weight. I honestly don't know how a body/psyche would respond otherwise under 20 months of such tremendous stress. I think the fact that you can articulate how you are feeling is proof that you will continue to make it through this tough time, just at your own pace. xoxoxoxoxox

  6. Despite the sadness and loneliness of this post, I can still see that you are a determined, strong woman. Even writing out these emotions takes a lot of strength and it is a fantastic coping mechanism. I have a lot of patients that tell me that their anti-depressants just make them feel worse so it's not surprising that you feel the same way. Do you think there are any caregiver groups or counseling sessions that you would benefit from? Sometimes it helps to just have that person to listen that is outside of your world. Anyway, I hope you find a way to make yourself feel better. I am super excited to maybe meet you in July!

  7. with all you have been through, it is no wonder you are exhausted and your emotional capability is worn down to feeling almost nothing, because you have been running on so many feelings and so much anxiety for so long, and even now still nothing is easy and basic, everything seems to be a struggle and more difficult than it should be. medicines can help a lot, but it can be a process to find the right one and even the right one can take 4 to 6 weeks to start working. could you take a few days by yourself and go stay at one of those hotel/spas? just lie in bed, and think about yourself- my guess is you have been so concerned about taking care of aaron, you never really processed through your feelings about all of this. go to a spa, lie in bed, sleep, watch, cry, scream, hit the walls- get it all out. everything. the fear, anger, everything. and when you have worked through it all, go home to your husband who loves you and take your life back. take it and make it the way you guys want it . you are persistent. you are strong. you can do it.

  8. I just want to tell you (again) how much I admire you guys. And that whole "God won't give you more than you can handle" thing? I don't believe it. Because I've had more than I can handle before and I haven't even been in your situation. But I do believe that if anyone can make it through the things you've gone through, it's you. I'm constantly amazed and inspired by your strength.

  9. All of your words sound familiar. The transition is so hard. Infertility on top of it adds to everything. If you ever need to talk I'm here. I've experienced most of what you've been through. Hang in there.