Monday, January 20, 2014

39 Weeks & A New Year.

It's been a hot minute… or twelve since I dropped in and spewed my thoughts. I think about it; I want to do it; I make plans to do it; but man, does every excuse and life just not get in the way of the tiny things that will only take a few minutes? Every time. So what's it been like over here lately?

Well, we moved. In my third trimester. Over the holidays. I won't go into it because I've become a champion whiner lately, but I am not kidding in the least when I say it has been about the second most traumatizing event I've lived through. Pregnancy, disability, moving- it's a perfect storm for a few daily meltdowns. We would not have gotten through it without the amazing help of family and friends, and immense patience on both our parts. It was rough on everyone, and I'm glad it's over. I will never move while pregnant again, though.

I do love our new place (which is just another apartment in our old place). I had to give up some kitchen storage space and my own huge bathroom for a regular sized one, but the trade-off is my own room- a loft! My office. A place for me and my things. Part of the last few years has been making do, and often I felt I got what was left over after all the shared things and prosthetic things and a gun locker and well… you get the picture. Aaron ended up in the master bath because his modest shower bench didn't fit in the guest, but I'm okay with that. I have my desk back, and it's far away from a gun locker. My clothes might be spread out over two closets and a dresser upstairs, but it's worth it.

We painted the baby's room! And our furniture came after a ton of drama (but we got free delivery, free toddler rails, and apologies from two different stores, so all good). We are going to finish it tomorrow and then I'll post pictures. I re-framed art from my own little girl room, and found some cheap pieces on Ebay. I am in love with our little girl's room.

I haven't intentionally not written during the pregnancy, but I just haven't have too much to say about it. I think I've been luckier than most, but you wouldn't know it by the complaining I can do. When I am in pain, and in particular experiencing back pain, it's pretty awful. When I can't sleep, I cry sometimes. As I deal with pain that creeps into my days instead of just the nights, I become harder to handle for Aaron. It's getting rough on everyone, but I still believe that I've had a good pregnancy. I was really good until about 32 weeks. But I think it's supposed to be this way, you know? So we get excited about becoming parents. I could have stayed pregnant a year if it were like the second trimester. And I know I look pretty good for someone who has gained 25 pounds! However, that's more than a fourth of my pre-pregnancy body weight- all in one place. So yeah, we know why I have horrible back pain. And no one warned me about "lightening crotch" aka "knives in the lady parts." Baby can hit nerves on or near the cervix and it is awful. I could drive off the road from the sudden pain. Pregnancy, even the easiest most soul-filling ones that connect you with Mother Earth and God, is not for sissies.

Aaron retired! Yep, he's done. Our family is done! Blue ID card and everything. I got a new one, too. He's grown a beard and let his hair get out of control for a few weeks. We have a plan for the future, but it also involves a lot of "I dunno." Which is fine with us- school until a better answer arrives! He is getting a better idea of what a dream career will be, so that could happen, too. I want to go back to butt-in-seat classes this fall but we'll see how this family thing goes. It might take someone at home to make all this tick, and I'm the best candidate at the moment. I will at least take a few online courses. I'm even looking into some writing programs. Something about gestating this kid has helped clear up my mind on what I do and don't want to do. And probably just getting older, too. Thank God for the clarity of the 30s. It's like the 20s, but less drunk.

But I did not have any deep retirement epiphanies. I've had a few about our government, in light of the news that some of Aaron's benefits are being cut before he can even get them. And here's what it boils down to for me: I will never regret his service, but I can quickly be ashamed of the country he served for not holding itself accountable to its promises. The cut to Combat Related Special Compensation is particularly nasty. It's hard to explain, but CRSC is supposed to help fill the income gap in retirement and disability pay that comes with being medically discharged from combat injuries before a full career is had. While these severely injured members get full medical and retirement, there's only so much they can get disability based on length of service. So CRSC was created to fill that gap. Now it's being cut, so it's a direct assault on those most injured in combat specifically. But hey, we're just budget leeches. We live off the government tit and I guess it's time we paid up. Which is why we're going to save as much as we can, go to school to improve ourselves, and get jobs so we don't have to trust the government to live up its side of the bargain. Don't even get me started on the retiree COLA cuts and who ends up paying the most in that (the ones forced to retire early, like Aaron). It's all just a big, fat "ugh" and I'm over the debate. We're all going to get screwed eventually, and so I might as well try to let go of the anger now.

Speaking of debate, I also haven't felt inclined to blog during the pregnancy because I just don't want to invite anyone to tell me their opinion. If I want it, I'll ask for it. I have enough mom friends who have all done things differently for me to get some very different perspectives on this whole ordeal. I experienced backlash early in my pregnancy for a few choices so I learned to keep my mouth shut. I talk to people I trust and who aren't judgmental. Each woman's experience is different and hence, our decisions will be different. That's the end of it, right?

I look forward to a 2014 with more writing. I want a bright, wide future. I get to have my husband at home as we embark on parenthood, which is by far the luckiest part of this whole new life. I love our apartment. Danica the spoiled puppy is doing great, and I think she'll do okay with the baby (eventually). And I really couldn't ask for more; maybe just more of the same! Hope you're all having great starts to the new year. Until next time-


  1. I was just thinking about emailing you to see how you were doing! I know all about the back pain, it's why they induced me a week early with Addie, it's not fun. I'm so glad to hear that things are coming together for you guys.

  2. so excited for you guys! what a great thing for you...having your own space. I think everyone needs their own space. the lighting croctch and the lighting for real...when you roll over in bed. holy cow!!!