Monday, January 27, 2014

Transfiguration.

By the time most of you read this, we will hopefully have already begun celebrating my daughter's birthday. Tomorrow, I'm the one being cut open instead of Aaron, but just as his scars altered our path forever, so will this one.

I can tell myself everything will be fine but I also know that I'm not entitled to anything good in this world. I am not "owed" because I've already paid a lot to be here. It is what it is. But statistically, one can only win the lottery (good or bad) so much. Right? I was raised a Christian and I still talk to God, but I talk to all the people in my life who aren't here, too. If our souls do go somewhere after we die, maybe they can all do a little dance for me and help ferry Alexandra Jayne into this world without too much drama.

I have no deep thoughts on becoming a mother just yet because I chose this and I've had about 7 months to let it settle. This is happening and I'm as ready as I can be. I hope to raise a human who is good for this world. I want her to want to be like her parents. I want her to know that before she came along, her parents lived a lifetime of love, baptized by fire. And as she grows, she'll know that we still love each other. I want her to see the kind of life I want her to have, I guess. But most of all, I want a healthy child I get to keep and raise. She doesn't ever have to save the world; she's already made mine and Aaron's so much better. Just by being the one to grow from our love she has already given us so much. She is truly a miracle. She was not supposed to happen, and yet here we are on the eve of her arrival.

I am so excited to finally meet my daughter, but just as much (or maybe a little more), I am thrilled for my husband. He is going to make such a good father. I try to tell him but I believe I fail: He is what makes this worthwhile. He is the reason I can do this. I am the lucky one here. I believe it was more his path to become a parent than mine and I am just fortunate enough to be with him. Really. He's so excited. He's asked me what I want him to wear. He wants to stay each night in the hospital with us. He's staying up late to cook me a midnight breakfast. I went out and bought him this ridiculous gadget as a surprise. He likes gadgets; he's researched everything baby. I love to see him smile. After our midnight meal, we'll pretend to sleep.

I don't have too much else to say. I am treasuring her movements from within because we're on borrowed time for it (although, she's doing a good job of actually hurting me so I am not too sentimental about the end of pregnancy). I made a birth decision and Aaron's on board, as is my awesome doctor. I'm nervous, but calm. Should everything go as planned, I'll be holding her by the time everyone else is eating lunch. Send a good though up for us, and I'll be back soon.

6 comments:

  1. Belated congrats to you and your family!

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  2. Why did you elect to have a C section over a natural birth? Just curious.

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  3. I am so late. I hope everything went well, I am so excited for you!

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