Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Whinin' and Cryin'.

Ugh. Apparently opiates are awesome for mack-truck migraines, but the "drug hangover" is almost as bad as the headache. I seriously feel like I'm detoxing or getting hit with a baseball bat. I bummed around today, cleaning and organizing. I got a lot done but had I been able to stand up straight or move faster than a great-grandma, I could've gotten a lot more done. My MIL went with Aaron today, and bless her for it. It was a busy day.

So by the end of the month everyone in the company should have gone on R&R. I feel completely gypped. No in-uniform airport reunion, no hang-out time, no being a family with our little dogs. I will probably feel gypped at homecoming, too. Aaron is busting his ass literally to exhaustion everyday. Right now, he is struggling to make a fist with his hands. He sweats so much at night I lay an extra sheet and a towel down for him.

I wouldn't pick any other life for myself because simply, I'm spoiled rotten in love. We love each other to the ends of the Earth and back. When I told him how awful I had felt all day, he put his arms around me and leaned his wheelchair back all the way down so I could sort-of lay on him. He let me order too much sushi because I thought I was really hungry (apparently the muscles around your stomach can be sore from drugs, too). Seriously- I have nothing to complain about.

And I try really hard not to let other people's complaining get to me because life still goes on. But some of it seems so out-of-perspective. Or even trite. I'm personally tired of all the blog memes because no one hardly says anything juicy. I don't care what you're wearing- I want to know more about you. I almost can't handle the minor military-getting-in-the-way complaint, but I was once so guilty of it, too. I'm not being fair, and I admit it. Life is life. Please, bitch away.

But there's so much pain out there. I won't know for about two years if we're going to join the ranks of those who only ever try to conceive. It's definitely on my mind that I won't ever be pregnant. I tell you though, if we go IVF we'll go balls to the wall full-stem the first try. But then I think that we could gamble on IVF, or put that money towards an adoption. Ugh. And we have to actually settle down soon, too. That is so foreign and weird to me. We want to rent for awhile, but then with the country's economy like it is who knows what these grants will be in a few years. (We get vehicle and home modification grants- and there are organizations out there who match or help out in other ways, too).

I need shelves in the apartment. I want to paint (yes, rumor has it we can. I'll ask for forgiveness instead of permission, though.). We need a lot of sheets. My mind races at times with everything. Appointments, appointments, appointments.

All I want, I think, is to go back to normal. I want to bitch about stupid shit. I'd take those money-talks-over-Gchat over this any day. I want to care what people are wearing or see pictures of their kids. I do. I want R&R, and homecoming. I want to decorate my house with sexually-suggestive signs about my EOD tech getting lucky. All that shit.I want my battle buddies back.

But if I didn't know before, I do now. And if I get a moment to be superficial, it's only a moment. Everything's different now, and again I am so utterly blessed I have no idea what to do with myself  but I still get a little mad, and I might always feel a little gypped. I might always judge people on how little pain they've experienced, which isn't fair because it can't be helped. Some people are just really lucky like that.

And if that's my best, it's between me and God. It'll have to do.


  1. Kitty Kat: I love you! What you are feeling is completely normal. You have been through so much in the past two months and no, it's not fair. I will talk to LAW and we will make sure you get what you need for your place so you guys can feel as settled as you can be.
    I am so sorry I was a zombie last night and didn't see your FB message right away. I suck sometimes. Give me a call today, tonight, whatever, whenever...3 am is fine if it's what you need. You can say anything you want and I will listen, for however long it takes. I am here no matter what. I love you and nothing you could ever say or do would change that. I am not going to have all the right answers, but I am a very good listener.
    Hopefully I will get this job I applied for in SC and then I will be close by and can visit you on a regular basis. Let me know what you do need/want when I visit next month and whatever it is, I will make it happen.
    I love you Kat. Give me a call when you get a chance.

  2. kudos for putting your feelings out there, even the ones that "you" think are not flattering. as i have said before, there is no such thing as a wrong feeling. you didn't get your gorgeous reunification moment, of course you got gyped. i mean come on, that is basically the only thing the msm covers, you should have gotten yours too. it makes my heart warm to read about your love and aaron's strength. the human spirit is truly remarkable, and you guys are some of the most remarkable. xo

  3. I don't even know what to say. I want to give you kiddos for having the strength to be you. None of us know how we would be or react in your situation and I give you major props for being you and being honest. You are an inspiration and I thank you for being who you are!!!

  4. You have every right to get angry and mad and furious and to feel gypped. I can't imagine all you or your husband are experiencing. I can't imagine how robbed you must feel sometimes. The love you have for one another is remarkable. I've been reading your blog for a few weeks now and I want you to know that even though I don't understand... could never understand, I care.

  5. Oh sweetie, I wish I could take away all your pain. You and your husband are amazing people. I want you both to know that I am praying for you.