Stress Tax.

I try to do so much (like three summer college courses) and excel as a wife and caregiver. I try to do all of that and travel with Aaron so he can explore incredible recreational therapy opportunities. I try to do it all and by not addressing how hard this is I think I am focusing on how much we have and how hard it really isn't (it is hard). I think that if I acknowledge that this life, even with its blessing, is incredibly stressful then I'm dishonoring all the people who do this life with more complications. I'm just going to act like everything's normal and okay!

And I fail at something, inevitably. I of course can't preemptively ask for help because that would mean I understood what I was doing to myself in the first place. Now I'm groveling with one professor, but at least that class is all I have managed to really screw up. My other two classes are okay, and I've been kicking butt at the wife/caregiver work. So I didn't crash and burn at everything, but just burned up a little bit.

But I'm fucking exhausted, people. My brain never fully turns on. I never actually get to sleep. I wake up everyday with back pain and a right elbow and wrist that doesn't want to help me work on the computer. I am so tired and sometimes I don't know why, because I think I got to sleep. I get distracted easily, and I can't seem to get motivated. At all. It sounds like depression but I'm not depressed right now. I mean, I've always got this little black cloud (and there is actually a technical name for that) all the time and I'm pretty much a realist (no sunshine and rainbows here, just give me the damn truth). But I am honestly happy with my marriage and the work I've been doing.

So, after seeing my counselor and doing some serious self-reflection, I realized that my body is stressed. I am physically affected by all of this, and not just because I literally carry more things than most husbands do. My whole body is responding to all of this and I haven't yet taken what that can do to me into account. I just need to suck it up and push harder, right? People do this warrior life with kids. Aaron nor myself have debilitating mental health or brain injuries, so there is no reason why I can't just do this already!

But I'm being too hard on myself and I'm admitting it. Next semester, I'm taking fewer classes. I am taking more time out of my day to stretch my body, work my mind, and relax. I just need to admit that I am not failing by not doing it all. I need to stop minimizing myself, my mental health, my reactions, and ultimately my life. My house is clean, some school work is done, and Aaron is happy as a pig in mud with what I do with and for him. He doesn't mind it when I breakdown at a meeting where we find out that the wheelchair clinic has yet again messed up and he won't be getting what he needs in any fashion of a timely manner (that happened today, by the way). I am getting better at recovering from those incidents, too. It doesn't knock me out all afternoon after I cry.

I realized how to improve: I can't completely change something in a moment. I have to ease into it. Do this a little less every week, and eventually I will have totally changed a behavior.

My ultimate goal is to focus on my abilities and not my limitations. I am also going to immerse myself in brain exercises and the book, The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. I think I need to try new things and reinvent my goals a little bit. I know it looks like a very strange way to deal with my stress, but I think it's going to work for me. New stuff. New successes. Focus on my health and get back to a chiropractor. Work my creativity more. Keep breathing. Keep improving, little by little. And give myself more time to do this. Also, I will actually go to the doctor and address my right arm issue. I am not getting any younger, and I can't keep wrapping my wrist in Coban to deal with the pain when I know I'm not doing anything to realistically make it better.

So there you have it, folks. I tried to do it all and pretend that this life wasn't such a big deal. I wanted to push on with normalcy because I'm so grateful for all we have. I would feel lazy if I didn't sign up for classes and do other things when Aaron doesn't need me. I am not a super human, at least not all the time. I feel like I can do anything- and I mean that, I could dig myself to China if it would make our situation any better- but that doesn't mean I have to do everything. I am a resilient woman and I have nothing to prove. I need to accept that it's okay to give my mental health more room in my life. I tell other people to do it- why don't I? I am unrelenting on myself. And it's time to stop.

Thanks for listening, kids. I hope you're all having good weeks!

Twihard drama clogging up my internetz!

Ugh. As if some Hollywood people canoodling affects any of us, but everyone is saying so much and now my own reels are turning. There are a few perspectives I haven't seen supported, but I'll discuss just because well, it's in my head now.


First of all, the director dude is kind of a creep. He met his wife when she was 17 years old, and recently talked about the experience in an interview. He said something along the lines of how beautiful she was and how he was drawn to her immediately. They apparently married 5 years later, when she was just 23. Yes, I said "just" 23. I think anyone getting married under 25 is young. I am not implying it's wrong or not intelligent, but it is young. So there's that.


Kristen is 22 years old. Apparently, she has been with her vampire lover Rob for three or four years. That's kind of young to be soul-mated off. And yeah- it looks like that is exactly what happened. It seems to have always been super, super intense. They've been living together for a while now (years?). It doesn't seem like she's had a lot of experience in relationships. God forbid the things I did at 22 be held against me for the rest of my life. I didn't touch a married man or anything like that, but I was certainly up to no good.


Maybe this old dude fed her some bull about how she hasn't had a lot of experiences and it's hindering her ability to emote as an actress (and we all know she has issues with that, good lord). So she gave in and now has not only experienced the feeling of doing something you shouldn't (and that feeling is pretty addicting and tempting), but hurting other people and herself. How's that for experience? What also supports this theory is her magazine interview last month in Elle. She openly discussed how her life had been very easy for her and she just wanted to experience something messed up. Her whole life has been set up for her, from child actress to Bella Swann. Seriously. She has hardly experienced anything worth feeling, other than being grateful, I suppose. And rich. And loved. She probably just wanted to feel some new feelings. Or something. It's why most of us experiment in relationships with different things, types of people at some point. And I would venture to say that if don't test yourself before moving into a serious, hardcore relationship, that things like this could happen.


Everyone's trashing Kstew like she raped this director dude and she should kill herself because he was married and had kids. It's all her fault! She owed his wife something! I hate, hate, hate slut-shaming. Oh, look at the whore, she touched this other woman's husband! It's kind of sexist, in my opinion. It takes two. And no one is talking about director dude publicly apologizing to poor Rob. He was wronged too, you know. A relationship is a relationship. It's Sanders's fault for jeopardizing his family. Kstew's boyfriend doesn't mean less than the one with the family. And honestly, if there are to be scorned-wife/boyfriend apologies made, they should be done in private.


Also, this whole "soul mates til we die" thing is creepy as shit and I wholly blame the Twilight franchise for it. Let's hook as mere children or very young adults and decide that our whole souls and happiness and existence depend on each other! Yay! And let's add in not having any other or very limited relationship experience so no one knows how to handle finding someone else attractive or alluring! Double yay! You know, I loved someone once a whole awful lot and when that relationship ended, I was devastated. You couldn't reason with me. But it wasn't because I felt that my soul mate had slipped away and no one else mattered. I knew something special was gone and I felt betrayed by how it ended (abandonment sucks) but I didn't think that I wouldn't go on and find someone new and better. I was 25 when it ended. With that relationship and a few other intense if not long pairings, I thankfully had enough experience by the time Aaron came along that I could know I was making a great decision by deciding to live my life with him. Maybe vampire boy wouldn't be so horrified and heartbroken if he had not decided a teenage Kristen Stewart was it for him. It's great his parents got together young, but most people don't do that anymore. People got to live a little before they go about dragging someone else with them.


And honestly, I wouldn't want Aaron to leave me if something awful happened and I made out with another man. (And yes, I said made out. No one knows if Kstew and creepy director old dude humped or even took off any clothes. What we see on the internet and in the magazine is a heavy make out session.) Yes, cheating is cheating but there is a huge difference between wanting to feel naughty and sexy and having a no-no makeout session and humping someone else. I wouldn't leave him if he did the same. I mean, I don't think I would. I'd probably spend a bunch of his money, burn some things, but I wouldn't throw away my marriage. I don't speak in absolutes about maybe-probably-not things that most likely won't happen. About the only way I would walk out forever is if he came home one day and inexplicably beat the crap out of me. Or I found out he had been trying to beat Jesse James and Tiger Woods for cheating douchebag awards. I don't know what it takes to be married ten years, twenty years, and so on and I don't know what happens when people feel the need to go outside of the marriage. I don't even know how that occurs. So who am I to speak indignantly? I hear some much of, "I would never ever do that!" and "I hope he doesn't take her back, I'd leave my husband if he kissed another woman!" "I'd kick another woman's ass for touching my man!" It's so obnoxious. Violence and verbal abuse are never okay. Neither are absolute statements about your own relationship when the situation being discussed might not actually ever happen.


Sometimes people do get together young and it works. One of my best bloggy friends married at twenty and as far as I know, they are a model couple. I know a few people who have only dated their respective spouses even if they didn't marry young. But these people didn't seem to get together because "they would just die without each other." It was because they wanted to forge on in life with this amazing other person, and decided to go ahead and get started. Awesome for them! I wish I had had more time with Aaron. But we got married pretty quick even if we weren't particularly youngish. I was nearly 28. He was 30. I don't think about "what if" because both of us were off having experiences in our past lives that would only make us more perfect for each other later. At least, that's my fairyland thinking. And I like it.


But at the end of the day, I'm not me without Aaron and I'd be lost without him. What we've been through the past ten months has been incredible and profound, taking our marriage to places people who don't do this can't even fathom. So yeah, I get it. But I'm not young. I'm not trying to feel things I haven't before. Hell, a lot of my 20s was spent feelings things I didn't want to hang around. I haven't lead a sheltered life and I don't have to seek out situations to go beyond my comfort zone. I have an honest, open, progressing relationship with my husband. I seriously doubt either one of us will ever feel the need to go outside of our marriage for any type of relationship fulfillment, so I won't even waste time thinking about what we would do if anything ever happened. Obstacles are going to arise and all I can say is that I know we have the ability to talk it out, work it out, and walk (roll) it out. As far as I know, we're always gonna be okay. :)


And I hope everyone in this whole Kstew and co. works it out and stays together, and eventually moves on from this.

Just. Be. Happy.

At some point you realize there is more behind you than is in front of you. I don't want to wake up one day and be sad about all the things I didn't do because of all the things I felt I should be doing. Aaron almost dying has really given us a second chance to know things that some people never get to figure out. We know what's important, we know how to live, and we know how to love. There isn't really much going on for us to fight about, because if it's going to cause a fight then it isn't important. He's off shooting today and I'm going to try and wrap up my schoolwork for the weekend. No matter what we do from here on out, I know our only goal will be making the other one happy.

And one of the best parts of my life is that I am supported and surrounded by people who feel this way too. It is as easy as it sounds: just be happy. Just do what you gotta do to be happy and have everyone around you happy.

At least, I think so.

I still live in a terribly abnormal environment and that might be why I've gone all emotional and poetic here. ;)

We're Alright.

I'd be lying if I said everything was all better but it is getting better. I feel like I left a lot of people in a lurch with my slightly-nutty last post, but the support as been incredible.

We got the Very Important Appointment that was missed rescheduled, we're on track with getting a new wheelchair, my mom has a contact for me to facilitate getting some needs met, Aaron had a great primary care appointment, and hopefully all the referrals are made by next week. I'm going to insist that he participate in a sleep study, which I think should have happened a long time ago. I'm fine with doing things "their" way as long as it works, but when it fails it just tends to burn. I have spent two days running around, talking to people, and trying to iron everything out. Our financial situation is changing rather drastically, too. Some of it makes sense, and some of it is just insulting. My NMA pay is being replaced by BAH, but it's not my pay anymore. I  wonder what happens when non-spouse attendants go through their warrior being assigned here, as opposed to attached. It's as if I'm not worth the expense. Also, finding a living situation that continues to be low-cost for us and include our dog isn't possible. Even though we found a place cheaper than the government contract apartments, anything outside of what is offered is to be paid for out-of-pocket. Like most of the policies and procedures in the military, there's a lot of money spent on contracts and nothing ever wholly makes a ton of sense. I promise to explain it all soon. It's not that it puts us in a dire situation, or that I'm ungrateful for what we have, but it's a lot of added stress to have the income we've received for 10 months reduced by a third in a short amount of time. At least we figured this out a couple of months in advance so we have a little time to practice living on less before the changes take effect. We received a substancial amount in donations, and of course we have the TSGLI (the military price list for compensation for loss of limbs- look it up, you'll either laugh or cry). We are secure, but it's still an adjustment and some of it- say it with me, now- just ain't right.

I'm also sad I haven't been able to take a safety course to get my scooter on base yet. It's such a hassle since nothing is offered here, and the Navy Yard and surrounding bases aren't exactly close.

But we're okay. We're always okay. I have an incredible man and marriage. It just sucks that recovery comes with so much other bullshit. Sometimes it is just too much to process. It's why I have a therapy appointment on Thursday. What I have accepted is that this is an incredibly abnormal environment and therefore, no one can be expected to act normally here. It's easy to judge people who go a little crazy while they're here, but until someone has lived at a hospital in this environment for these reasons a single judgment can't reasonable be made against anyone who at least gets out of bed in the morning. Even though I feel beaten down, I know I'm still thrivin', not just survivin'. Bethesda Tour 2011-???

Sometimes it's just not right.

I've been pretty much immobile for the past few days. I feel emotionally paralyzed, and my crying fit a few minutes ago finally told me why: It is suddenly hitting me how abnormal this life is. I'm not ungrateful, at all, but this just ain't right (as we say in the South). We live at a hospital. I mean, this whole place... there is nothing normal about it. And I wonder if "they/it/life" get away with it because the military lifestyle is so strange that we become accustomed to it, but now it feels like we're doing the only thing weider than that. In this moment, that's what it feels like.

Life just keeps getting "curiouser and curiouser," as Alice would say. And I'm going mad.

I just noticed that this is my 100th post as the Warrior Wife. Now isn't that apropos!