But oh, if I knew then what I know now. I wish I didn’t know the things I do. I’d give anything for it all to be taken back to where it came from (most likely a particular layer of hell). I had experienced certain things, of course, that had stripped me of any feelings of sunshine and roses I was going to have about certain aspects of humanity. My marriage, though, was untouched. It was mine and Aaron’s to grow, feed, nurture, and protect. He was and still is the sweetest man I’ve ever known. It’s one reason I was so angry he had to go through nearly dying and losing so many body parts. He didn’t deserve it (does anyone deserve this?!) and it wasn’t fair it was him. I mean, it shouldn’t be anyone at all.
I think about last summer and how little I knew about life and the military. I know for a lot of soldiers and their families Aaron was the first very seriously injured soldier in any unit they’d served in to end up this way. The notification, the FRG email- the whole unit was shaken to its core. Everything we thought about what could happen when there’s a WIA was stripped and all we were left with were questions. No matter what, though, I will always be glad it was the 760th Aaron was injured with. They couldn’t have done more or been kinder, even though everyone else had something to deal with, too. No one came out unscathed.
Especially our dreams.
We could still plan stupid things, like what he would re-enlist for (the ability to move from Fort Drum was the big frontrunner). We talked about Washington state, Savannah, Georgia, and even Colorado. We talked about children and my education. Silly, stupid plans. I might not be the most outwardly religious person, but I do often think of the line, “When you have plans, God says, ‘What plans.’”
So there it is. I would like to think that I will sit down sometime before I turn 30 and write about the past 10 years, but right now I think about how just a year ago everything was okay, and how so quickly it wasn’t. I do look forward to the day we will have spent more time married with his injuries and this new life than without it. I just want to keep moving on.