Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sigh. Again. Day Number... infinity.

My battle buddies came to town! Yesterday was full of yummy food, attempts at day drinking, and a lot of walking. Last night we all had a nice, long drink-y dinner. I had a bit of an anger meltdown and of course it was with the right people. These ladies are just want I needed to gain some perspective back. I've really come to a low point here lately (I'm sure it's just another rut, just another piece of the never-ending puzzle), and I feel a bit saved by my girls.

Aaron is really struggling with this new pain management medicine. I am beginning to think it's a load of shit. He does not sleep. It isn't sleep hygiene habits, it's simply that he's so uncomfortable all of the time. Two nights in a row he has gotten dressed and rolled downstairs to go outside, just to get some air. He has never had to do that before. I think he's having dreams, too- not necessarily bad ones, not really ones he's remembering, but something is screwing with him when he's asleep, too. He can be snoring away and wake so easily from what looks like a deep sleep. Something has got to change. When he doesn't sleep, I don't sleep, either. We're both zombies.

I need to get into some kickboxing, I think. I try to be all zen about this, but I'm perhaps discounting the "get mad" way of dealing with it, too. I've obviously got some issues I need to work out.

This just sucks. His legs aren't coming back (go figure). His hands won't magically start working like they did before. We're going to have two steps forward and three back lulls in recovery, and we're going to be here a good long while. There's no real getting better has much as there is getting used to it. Adapt or die, right? My little motto. I don't know how much it's helping lately.

Something went horribly, horribly wrong about five months ago and it isn't getting better. I'm not ungrateful for what we have, I'm just really pissed at how this all turned out. I didn't want to have a special deployment. I want to take it all back and have an ordinary deployment, for the love of gods. Aaron really hurt my feelings a lot arguing about money over Gchat, and I'd go back to that in a heartbeat. It sucks that so few Americans have to deploy to keep the rest of the country safe and that in and of itself makes deployment special in American society. But for military society, it isn't special; I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's hard, it sucks, you do it. Mental problems, PTSD, TBI are very real injures so that, too, makes deployment special. But usually- and just that, usually- everyone coems back relatively okay and you move on.

 Marital issues aren't hard for me because either you do what it takes to work it out or you decide that it's best to move on. I have little patience for people who allow their spouses to treat them poorly because it isn't that hard. Get counseling or don't. Figure it out or not. But if you have a "regular" experience and everyone tries to work it back out, you've got more than anyone here at the hospital has. So I suppose what I'm saying is that life isn't all that hard on a day-to-day basis. We make it hard. I'm sure I'm making this harder than it needs to be, but that's the fun human factor in all of this.

There is no structure or beauty to this post. I am a much better writer than this and I promise, at some point in the near-ish future, I will return to that. I hang on to the beauty that is my husband, friends, and family with all I have because well, it's all I've got lately.

I'll get better at this. I'll get good at it, and own it, and be happy all the time again and okay that Aaron's missing legs and fingers. I am the warrior wife. I'm just going to pack up my weapons and sulk in the tent on the edge of the battlefield for a bit. I'll come back out fighting soon enough (probably after homecoming, which is whole other ball of mental goodness...)


  1. It will get better in time. As I have said so many times before, you both are such strong and amazing people. It sounds like maybe kickboxing would be good. Exercise is the best stress relief!

  2. you most definitely don't have to be okay and happy about your situation. your feelings as you know will change, for the good and the bad. i can only imagine how tough homecoming is, a real slap in the face and real time of what else you two would be doing. i hope it passes quickly i am sorry and thinking of you lots. xo

  3. I think you're an amazing writer, and I'm always amazed by your honesty. Hoping they're able to help more with the sleep situation soon.

  4. You are a fantastic writer and I am happy you are honest. You don't seem to sugarcoat things. Kickboxing would be a fantastic way to get out that aggression!

  5. I love how you keep it real. Not whining, moaning & complaining abou the time, but sharing the hard, gritty truth. It's the only way people will ever be able to figure out what's really going on, and how the troops are coming back so differently than when they left.

  6. What Shari said. It's good to speak the truth. It's god for you to get it out, and good for others to read it. No one will ever know what military life is really like (from all aspects) if no one speaks about it.

  7. Love your honesty raw thoughts :)