Monday, February 13, 2012

Take it back.

The other night I found myself in bed, cuddled tight against Aaron, begging the creator of the universe to take it all back. I want the past five months to disappear. I want him to have his legs and fingers back. I want the scars to vanish. I want him whole, and still in Afghanistan. I want to be at Fort Drum, preparing for his homecoming. I want it all to go back where it came from, and we can pretend the whole thing didn't happen. I'll even make a deal for it.

Five months. I don't even know where it went. We're been here almost as long as he was deployed. Recovering, adjusting. I had a mini-meltdown today because yet again, a doctor's appointment ran long and I had to miss something I had been really excited about- a 90 minute hot stone massage, gifted by The Yellow Ribbon Fund. Nine o'clock came and went, with me feeling stupid for even thinking I could accomplish that appointment. I should know better by now. If Aaron has any appointments, I shouldn't try to do a thing within 3 hours of that time. His mom is even here helping out this week, and I still missed something.

I can't even begin to wonder where this road is going to take us. I'm feeling frustrated with the whole situation lately, but then again I've been on a steroid pack so who knows where all of these feelings are coming from or if they're even valid. I just want things to go smoothly at some point. Everything from a broken soda machine (which the front desk duty troops don't care about) to craptastic internet to showers that flood and the lack of a wheelchair ramp in the parking lot. Just everything. I hope it passes soon, and I go back to the land of "everything's great". Well, almost everything.

I just want to take it all back and return to being a normal couple. Deploy, come home- most military families get to experience that cycle, yet we didn't even go through it once. I am beginning to feel that deployment isn't anything special. It's special in the grand scheme of our country, but not for the military family culture. It sucks, it's hard, we get through it and they come home. I'm not going to ever think that deployment is the worst thing to go through. If that's the hardest circumstance you face in your married life, then good on you.

I'll get over it. It just isn't always easy to only see the bright side.


  1. I'm in the middle of a deployment that is, quite frankly, kicking my butt, but I still agree with you. It's absolutely nothing compared to what you and your husband are going through--and what you've lost for our country. Deployments aren't the worst things...

    Thinking of you. You have every right to be annoyed, frustrated, pissed as hell at the 'hard' you would be happy to have back. And I can't imagine how much you must wish that it could all be taken back. I wish that for you. You bear up with what is with such grit and grace.

    ((((hugs)))) from a random bloggy stranger today.


  2. I am so sorry you were not able to get TLC for yourself. The woulda shoulda coulda are quite haunting. I sending you huge hugs. xo

  3. I'm so sorry - it sucks, there's really nothing else to say about it. It just sucks.

  4. :( I'm sorry. Echoing what Val says, I always amazed with your grace.