What I'm learning is that (again) some shit happened, i.e. husband almost dying and losing limbs, my flight-or-fright dial turned to 11. After living like this for over 6 months, my neurology has most likely changed. My brain is different. I can't help that I respond LIKE MY LIFE SHOULD BE LIVED IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS to all the insignificant things that happen here. It explains why I couldn't let go of a lot of things, got caught up in the negative, and seemed stuck on being angry and wounded.
It sucks. It's why I stayed so unreasonably pissed at all the people who said and did messed up things to me within the past eight months instead of focusing on the wonderful people who were actually helping me out. No one is going to judge me more harshly for this than me. The dial becoming stuck might have been necessary in the beginning, but it should have been readjusted a long time ago.
It's time to bring that dial back down. I feel on edge all the damn time and I hate it. My husband and family deserves better. I don't know if I was always going to end up like this or if this is situational, but I can't handle not handling things anymore. I don't want to take medication to cope with all this shit; I want to handle it like an adult, whatever that exactly means. It's just not any fun being this way. I talk about it in therapy, and I work on it at home. I managed to get through a few stressful moments over the past week, and I'm proud of myself for it. I haven't lashed out at anyone within the past 72 hours. I have calmly explained myself a few times. I'm working on it.
I just wish I had not taken so long. Eight months. How did I let it go on so long? I wouldn't wish this on anyone and if I could genetically alter my kids to not feel anxiety, I would. I think being intuitive and sensitive makes me more prone to feel over-anxious, but this is ridiculous. I am not proud of this part of me and there isn't a single redeeming quality to it, unlike some of my more... colorful... eccentric habits and traits. Being blunt is at least funny (secret: I usually don't mean to be funny when I say something true that is also blunt, but so many people think it's hilarious). I've always been a bit morbid and I'll always prefer the truth to some prettied-up version of it. And no matter what, my innocence for life has been lost. What little unexperienced hope I had left after the first 25 years of my life washed away with Aaron's legs. I'm okay with that, because I can be proud of being a true realist with endearing cynicism. There's a better me in here, I just have to dig her out of her grave of "LIFE CAN REALLY SUCK". Adapt or die, right? Being this morose and melancholy isn't cute. Feeding into this darker side isn't who I need to be. I used to be a bright color. I need to lay off the SVU and watch more comedies.
My solution is to surround myself with bright, happy things and try to think alternatively when negatives arise so that eventually nurture becomes nature and my brain doesn't shut down when stupid shit happens.
This is the beginning to my 30th year. What else can I do except try to get better?
After the year you've had, I'd be surprised if you didn't come out on the other side with some anxiety issues--the important thing is that you recognize this and are working to deal with it in a healthy manner. It's a vicious cycle, so try not to be so hard on yourself; you're doing great! :D
ReplyDeleteIt is very difficult not to feel some anxiety when you have had to cope with so many issues and changes in the last year. But, you have your husband and he loves you and together both of you can work through anything!! Things are not always what you want them to be but, sometimes we do have to step back and let them happen. It only makes us stronger and helps us learn!! I felt anxiety after the birth of my last son. I felt that anxiety grow when my husband was at work. I couldn't do anything without having some sort of panic attack!! But, I had to focus on my 3 kids and learn to live without some pill controlling me all the time! I am so glad I made that choice. It helped me grow and only become stronger. You can do the same!! You can do it, you just have to be willing to try!! Have a great day and smile!!
ReplyDeleteKuddos! I think that coming to terms with what you've been through and attempting to make an attitude shift in 8 SHORT months deserves a standing ovation. Move at your own pace, girl. You're a rockstar!!
ReplyDeleteI've struggled with anxiety a lot over the past several years. It was the one thing that has made school so very tough for me. But good friends and counseling make all the difference.
ReplyDeleteYou talked me out of it when I wanted to quit and I owe you big time for that. I am here for you too.